Do you ever feel completely on and completely off at the same time?

I seem to experience these oxymoronic emotions more often than I would expect. Feeling like I have it all together while somehow coming undone at the same time. Making moves while feeling like I’m not moving at all. Grateful to be seen while also wanting to hide. I’ve learned there is room for all of it.

Y’all know I’m always good for repeating something my pastor, Dr. Dharius Daniels, has said. Once, he said, “God is good, but I am not right now.” That gives me hope, because I know God is good. I know He is in control. I know I am blessed. However, there are still days when I don’t feel particularly good.

I recently came across another phrase that captured it in a different way.  “I am happy, but not every day.” I have a beautiful life, and I am happy. But not every day.

Some days I feel empty and full at the same time. Encouraged and discouraged. Certain and unsure. I remind myself often, I can have a hard day inside a beautiful life. Neither one cancels out the other.

This isn’t a sympathy post. This is a post to give space for life. Real life. Not Instagram or TikTok. Not the automatic “I’m good. How are you?” Not the version of ourselves we sometimes present once we’ve already processed everything and tied it neatly together. Just everyday life.

For so many years, I dreamed of being in the spotlight. Being discovered. Making a name for myself. I imagined impact as something that would happen at scale. More people, a bigger platform, a wider reach.

One thing I know about myself now is that I’m better in real life. Not a better person, but more fully myself. Because real life contains all of me.

The version of me who encourages a stranger and the version who needs encouragement himself. The version who has something profound to say and the version who has nothing to offer but his presence. The patient version and the irritated one. The one who feels deeply connected to God and the one who knows He is there but doesn’t necessarily feel Him in the same way.

I’m learning not to make an enemy out of any of them. They are all me. They are all living this everyday life.

I never thought I’d become comfortable enough with myself to sit in this space. The old me couldn’t, but the evolving me can because I’m learning more about myself. It is becoming less of what has been said about me and more about who I am and who I’m becoming.

I’m becoming a safe space for myself. I don’t have to rush every uncomfortable feeling out the door. I can sit with it because I have faith that stillness doesn’t mean I’m stuck. Somehow, there is always movement.

These days, so much of what matters to me happens in the presence of people.

The world often chases scale. God often works through proximity. Some of the most meaningful moments of my life have happened without an audience. No spotlight. No announcement. Just two people sharing a moment that might look completely ordinary to everyone else.

I’m seeing that faithfulness can look wonderfully ordinary.

Sometimes simply making it through an ordinary Wednesday. None of those things feel particularly grand, but this is the life I’ve actually been given, and I want to be present for it.

No matter where my emotions land on any given day, one thing remains, hope. I always seem to have hope. Hope that things can change. Hope that growth is happening even when I can’t see it. Hope that God is moving. Hope that tomorrow can feel different without requiring me to pretend today feels any better than it does. Hope doesn’t ask me to deny what I’m feeling. It simply reminds me that what I’m feeling isn’t the whole story.

When I was in high school, I had a classmate who would always say, “I will make it, or I will make it.” Even after all these years, her words still encourage me. I don’t know if she has any idea that I remember them. She probably didn’t know when she said them that someone would still be carrying those words years later. There was no stage, no platform, and no spotlight. Just someone in my everyday life saying something I happened to need.

We don’t always know when we’re having an impact. Sometimes the things that stay with us longest come from people who never knew they gave us anything at all. “I will make it, or I will make it.” As someone who loves options, I love the lack of options here. No matter what life looks or feels like, I will make it. Not because everything will work out exactly the way I want it to. Not because every day will be good. Not because I will always feel strong, but because even the days that stretch me are still giving me something. Sometimes I get what I hoped for. Sometimes I gain wisdom. Sometimes I simply get another opportunity to keep walking.

Today, that feels like enough. I used to think the important moments were the ones that stood out from everyday life. I’m not so sure anymore. Everyday life isn’t what happens between the important moments. Everyday life is the important life.

The laughter and the irritation. The certainty and the questions. The encouragement I give and the encouragement I need. The days when I feel completely put together and the days when I feel like I’m coming undone. All of it.

This beautiful, finite, emotional life I have been given. I want to steward it well. If you’re reading this, it is an honor to walk some of it with you.

I love you, but God loves you more.

In courage,

Carnell